Before sobriety; chop wood, carry water. In sobriety; chop wood, carry water. Externally, everything looks exactly the same in my life. If you didn’t know me you wouldn’t notice anything. Some of those who do know me are still a bit mystified and don’t see much of a difference, except maybe that my skin is glowing healthier. Internally, however my life is much different than it was 43 days ago. I’m spending time with and talking to God, my Higher Power, many times throughout the day and I’m taking care of myself. My thoughts and behavior are more in alignment. I believe it’s important to take care of myself and now I’m actually doing it.
The following daily self-care checklist contains my anchors:
When I wake up:
□ Say my prayer to God: “God, I surrender my life, my will and alcohol to you today and everyday and I thank you for your love and guidance.”
□ Take my pre-breakfast supplements (L-glutamine & Milk Thistle)
□ Shower, tooth care routine, facial routine
□ Non-thought meditation for 30 minutes
□ Breakfast/coffee/daily vitamins
□ aa meeting
□ Work
Every time I get in the car:
□ I say my prayer again to God: “God, I surrender my life, my will and alcohol to you today and everyday and I thank you for your love and guidance.”
Throughout the day:
□ Eat every 3-4 hours
□ Take a few moments to read something related to recovery (12 Steps, 12 Traditions, Hazelden Thought of the Day, Daily Word)
After work:
□ Write down how I feel
□ Exercise by taking a walk/lifting weights/yoga class/class at the gym/interval training
Before bed:
□ Take evening supplements (L-glutamine & Milk Thistle)
□ Tooth care routine, facial routine,
Weekly:
□ Journal/blog
□ Take a long walk with a friend
□ Do something just for me like get a massage or take a bath
□ Check in with my coach, friends and family by phone or in person
These activities help me address the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social aspects of my life and help me build a strong foundation in all those areas to keep me on a healthy path.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Step 3
My will got me into this, and my willingness will get me out. I say this prayer every morning, every time I get into and out of the car and every evening:
Through surrender I gain control.
In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."
With an open heart,
Angela
“God, I surrender my life, my will and alcohol to you today and everyday and I thank you for your love and guidance.“
Through surrender I gain control.
In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."
With an open heart,
Angela
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Step 2: The Beginning of The End
Only a power greater than me can restore my sanity. This power could be God or perhaps a group of people who have a solution to a problem that I have not been able to solve on my own and that nearly everyone who has ever tried has not been able to solve on their own. Accepting that I am not the highest power in my life and on this earth and that this power that is greater than me could restore my sanity was the beginning of the end of my old life and the start of my new one. However, I rather liked being in control of my life, thank you very much. This was not easy to swallow.
I have not done this alone. There is no way. I’ve learned that recovering alone never works. I tried for 18 years. Pretty good try, don’t you think? Actually, I wasn’t convinced right away but someone asked me how many more years should I try before I accept the fact that I need others to help me? I huffed at this, but couldn’t come up with a good answer. I begrudgingly tried to accept that only by reaching out and getting help could this problem be solved for me. Millions of people have proven this fact and now its millions, plus one. I am now one of those people who have proven this to be true.
I used to be agnostic but I’ve had some experiences that have led me to believe in a higher power such as God. And I thank this higher power every day now for this life of mine. One such experience that I’ve reflected on as highly powerful was being saved from a devastatingly deep depression. Day by day, life was getting harder and my thoughts moved towards ending the daily pain and suffering. I could not imagine ever being happy again. I couldn’t even remember what happiness felt like. There seemed to be no way out of the hole I suddenly found myself; that I had been sliding into for months, maybe years. Why was life so hard and how did everyone else handle life so well? It wasn’t fair. Any past happiness I had experienced was out of reach. I couldn’t remember a minute of it. I thought about ending my life every day.
Someone gracefully came into my life and saved me, literally. They picked me up out of the hole; they encouraged me, brought loving touch into my life, supported me and showed me that life was worth living again. It wasn’t until years later that I asked myself why this person cared about my drunken, depressed, broken soul. Why did they come into my life right then? Was it really only chance? The thought that it could have been God working brought me to tears. These tears were what led me to the belief this may not have just been chance. It was unlike any other experience I’ve had in my life. I came to believe there was a reason why I needed to stay on this earth a little longer. But then, what about all the others who don’t make it and successfully end the game early? I haven’t yet been able to answer that and I don’t know why I was saved, but I was and want to make the most of it now. I want God to work through me to show others how precious they are. I ask God now every day what his will is for me…but that’s a story for tomorrow when I write about step three.
God, I thank you today and everyday for your love and guidance.
With an open heart,
Angela
I have not done this alone. There is no way. I’ve learned that recovering alone never works. I tried for 18 years. Pretty good try, don’t you think? Actually, I wasn’t convinced right away but someone asked me how many more years should I try before I accept the fact that I need others to help me? I huffed at this, but couldn’t come up with a good answer. I begrudgingly tried to accept that only by reaching out and getting help could this problem be solved for me. Millions of people have proven this fact and now its millions, plus one. I am now one of those people who have proven this to be true.
I used to be agnostic but I’ve had some experiences that have led me to believe in a higher power such as God. And I thank this higher power every day now for this life of mine. One such experience that I’ve reflected on as highly powerful was being saved from a devastatingly deep depression. Day by day, life was getting harder and my thoughts moved towards ending the daily pain and suffering. I could not imagine ever being happy again. I couldn’t even remember what happiness felt like. There seemed to be no way out of the hole I suddenly found myself; that I had been sliding into for months, maybe years. Why was life so hard and how did everyone else handle life so well? It wasn’t fair. Any past happiness I had experienced was out of reach. I couldn’t remember a minute of it. I thought about ending my life every day.
Someone gracefully came into my life and saved me, literally. They picked me up out of the hole; they encouraged me, brought loving touch into my life, supported me and showed me that life was worth living again. It wasn’t until years later that I asked myself why this person cared about my drunken, depressed, broken soul. Why did they come into my life right then? Was it really only chance? The thought that it could have been God working brought me to tears. These tears were what led me to the belief this may not have just been chance. It was unlike any other experience I’ve had in my life. I came to believe there was a reason why I needed to stay on this earth a little longer. But then, what about all the others who don’t make it and successfully end the game early? I haven’t yet been able to answer that and I don’t know why I was saved, but I was and want to make the most of it now. I want God to work through me to show others how precious they are. I ask God now every day what his will is for me…but that’s a story for tomorrow when I write about step three.
God, I thank you today and everyday for your love and guidance.
With an open heart,
Angela
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Step 1
I have been working to uncover the denial and the belief of what I used to tell myself all the time: "everything is ok and I can handle it". I’ve been able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. I knew I was powerless over alcohol because I would quit every morning and be drinking again by nightfall.
I wanted more
I became irrational
I couldn’t help myself
My life was unmanageable:
I drove drunk
Spent too much money
Gained weight
Lost energy and work time
Life was harder
Emotions built up
All sorts of resentments built up and lived under the surface for years, covered up, escaping my conscious thought but all the while hurting me. And now I’m dealing with all that.
I find my strength in recovery by being vulnerable and honest and doing something about these emotions and by releasing them. By talking, writing and going to God. God says thank you Angela for trusting me and coming to me. I will never leave you or forsake you. I’ll always be by your side. The other day I was so ashamed and guilty for so many things. The feelings came up and were with me for about 16 hours. I had to sit down and work to identify the feelings, sit with them, surrender to them and write them down. This is what is called walking into the fire.
In the fire, what I discovered by sitting with these feelings is that my deepest pain is my unworthiness. Unworthiness is a core issue for many people and is a driver for unhealthy behavior, thoughts and feelings. It is tied to low self esteem (check), wanting to be accepted (check) and trying hard to fit in (yep, that was me too). It’s also tied to a lack of spirituality and being disconnected from a Higher Power. I sat with this, talked about it, cried, reached out and prayed. And I inched a little closer toward worthiness through gratitude, self care, connection to others and God, forgiveness and prayer. I want to emphasize the importance of reaching out to others. If you’re like me and want to recover alone it will never work. One of the keys to admitting we are powerless and having a chance at true recovery is reaching out for help.
Thank you God and thank you all my friends and family who surround me with love and support every day.
With an open heart,
Angela
I wanted more
I became irrational
I couldn’t help myself
My life was unmanageable:
I drove drunk
Spent too much money
Gained weight
Lost energy and work time
Life was harder
Emotions built up
All sorts of resentments built up and lived under the surface for years, covered up, escaping my conscious thought but all the while hurting me. And now I’m dealing with all that.
I find my strength in recovery by being vulnerable and honest and doing something about these emotions and by releasing them. By talking, writing and going to God. God says thank you Angela for trusting me and coming to me. I will never leave you or forsake you. I’ll always be by your side. The other day I was so ashamed and guilty for so many things. The feelings came up and were with me for about 16 hours. I had to sit down and work to identify the feelings, sit with them, surrender to them and write them down. This is what is called walking into the fire.
In the fire, what I discovered by sitting with these feelings is that my deepest pain is my unworthiness. Unworthiness is a core issue for many people and is a driver for unhealthy behavior, thoughts and feelings. It is tied to low self esteem (check), wanting to be accepted (check) and trying hard to fit in (yep, that was me too). It’s also tied to a lack of spirituality and being disconnected from a Higher Power. I sat with this, talked about it, cried, reached out and prayed. And I inched a little closer toward worthiness through gratitude, self care, connection to others and God, forgiveness and prayer. I want to emphasize the importance of reaching out to others. If you’re like me and want to recover alone it will never work. One of the keys to admitting we are powerless and having a chance at true recovery is reaching out for help.
Thank you God and thank you all my friends and family who surround me with love and support every day.
With an open heart,
Angela
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Forgiveness Letter #1 for Summer '00
Dear Fred and Co, It’s been 10 years and this letter is way overdue. I forgive you for sexually assaulting me during the company boat trip in Oregon while I was sleeping. I forgive you for taking advantage of the opportunity even though you were my brother-in-law’s best friend. Even though your girlfriend was sleeping there and my husband was in the next room playing cards. Even though I trusted you.
I don’t yet fully know what my part in this was. Maybe it was my trust, maybe it was my looks or my naivite. Or maybe you just decided you could get away with it.
I forgive Dennis, my husband at the time, for not doing anything about it. And I forgive Dennis for going to lunch with Fred the next week and then taking his side after that. I know he was confused and that he did the best he could at the time. I forgive Kevin, the company president and his wife Colleen for making excuses for Fred and deciding it was no big deal.
I forgive the police for not wanting to take the report. I forgive Dennis’ brother and parents and everyone else who turned a blind eye to me and the situation and my experience and pain. I forgive Dennis’ mom for telling me that these things happen at parties and I forgive my own mom for not reacting at all. I know she has her own pain and could not hear me or believe something like this could happen to me. It was too much for her to bear. I forgive Fred’s girlfriend for calling me up and begging me not to press charges.
I forgive myself for not insisting that we leave immediately and go home but instead stayed the rest of the weekend on the boat and let everyone try to convince me it was no big deal. I forgive myself for not sleeping next to Carrie instead. I forgive Erik for staying friends with Fred
I forgive everyone for not being able to handle the gravity of the situation and give me the support and understanding I needed.
For so long now I have known what happened to me was wrong but have still held onto the belief that this was somehow my fault and that I deserved it. I really want to let that go. God, if you could help me release this belief and forgive everyone involved and release the emotions, the anger, the shame, the guilt and the rage inside me over this. Heal my fear of being too trusting, my fear of not judging character correctly, fear of the loss of control, fear of future violation. Heal me of the idea that my being in shape and being attractive could have caused this and the idea that me being stupid caused this or that I deserved it in any way. Please allow me to fully forgive everyone and release all of these emotions.
With an open heart,
Angela
I don’t yet fully know what my part in this was. Maybe it was my trust, maybe it was my looks or my naivite. Or maybe you just decided you could get away with it.
I forgive Dennis, my husband at the time, for not doing anything about it. And I forgive Dennis for going to lunch with Fred the next week and then taking his side after that. I know he was confused and that he did the best he could at the time. I forgive Kevin, the company president and his wife Colleen for making excuses for Fred and deciding it was no big deal.
I forgive the police for not wanting to take the report. I forgive Dennis’ brother and parents and everyone else who turned a blind eye to me and the situation and my experience and pain. I forgive Dennis’ mom for telling me that these things happen at parties and I forgive my own mom for not reacting at all. I know she has her own pain and could not hear me or believe something like this could happen to me. It was too much for her to bear. I forgive Fred’s girlfriend for calling me up and begging me not to press charges.
I forgive myself for not insisting that we leave immediately and go home but instead stayed the rest of the weekend on the boat and let everyone try to convince me it was no big deal. I forgive myself for not sleeping next to Carrie instead. I forgive Erik for staying friends with Fred
I forgive everyone for not being able to handle the gravity of the situation and give me the support and understanding I needed.
For so long now I have known what happened to me was wrong but have still held onto the belief that this was somehow my fault and that I deserved it. I really want to let that go. God, if you could help me release this belief and forgive everyone involved and release the emotions, the anger, the shame, the guilt and the rage inside me over this. Heal my fear of being too trusting, my fear of not judging character correctly, fear of the loss of control, fear of future violation. Heal me of the idea that my being in shape and being attractive could have caused this and the idea that me being stupid caused this or that I deserved it in any way. Please allow me to fully forgive everyone and release all of these emotions.
With an open heart,
Angela
Friday, March 26, 2010
Two weeks in and I feel like I just started over this morning
I wrote this letter to my best friend this morning.
Hi Terri bear!!
You asked me the other day how my program is going. It’s a long story how these last two weeks have gone. The program addresses the physical, mental/emotional, spiritual and social aspects. It’s intense but manageable.
This song really touched my heart this morning. It’s written and sung by the Barlow girls (three sisters). The lead singer suffered from anorexia. Listen to this and the words. It will give you a glimpse at the spiritual aspect of what I’m going through, just a glimpse, there’s a lot more to it than this but this song captures so much.
I need You to love me – BarlowGirl
LYRICS:
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Happy Friday my dear. I’m so grateful to have you in my life!!
xoxo
~Angela
Hi Terri bear!!
You asked me the other day how my program is going. It’s a long story how these last two weeks have gone. The program addresses the physical, mental/emotional, spiritual and social aspects. It’s intense but manageable.
This song really touched my heart this morning. It’s written and sung by the Barlow girls (three sisters). The lead singer suffered from anorexia. Listen to this and the words. It will give you a glimpse at the spiritual aspect of what I’m going through, just a glimpse, there’s a lot more to it than this but this song captures so much.
I need You to love me – BarlowGirl
LYRICS:
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Happy Friday my dear. I’m so grateful to have you in my life!!
xoxo
~Angela
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I'm Not Ready
Me: Could it be possible that I have a problem with alcohol? I'm certainly not an alcoholic. I just sometimes abuse alcohol when I'm stressed out and need to relax and take it down a notch.
My therapist: That makse sense. Your not an alcoholic, you're an alcohol abuser. There's a big difference.
Me: Yeah, I agree. I'm okay. I'm not an alcoholic. This is just a temporary issue. Once I get my job stress under control, I'll drink less and not need it so much anymore.
My therapist: Yes, let's talk about your job....
At first glance, this conversation doesn't look like much. Maybe even counterproductive. But, I want to thank this therapist immensely. She helped me inch forward in my denial toward the possibility that I abused alcohol without making me run and scream in the other direction by calling me an alcoholoc.
This was a year or more ago now. I just admitted I'm an alcoholic a couple weeks ago. I have enough proof now after the last 18 years.
Thanks also to Denise Linn for taking me through her 28 week soul coaching/clutter clearing program which taught me that the soul loves the truth. During this program I started asking my soul if there was anything I needed to know. My soul was very quiet and was just barely whispering to me even after the 28 weeks when I was playing around on Facebook and saw a post from my friend David Essel and watched his video: http://www.youtube.com/user/SuperSlowDown#p/u/29/p-0S6mfQ5Sw
The whisper said, no I'm not ready but send an email anyways and share the fact that you're not ready but that you liked the video.
This was two weeks ago. I wasn't ready but I reached out and my life changed trajectory in ways I could not have imagined. I've experienced living a lifetime in just a day, in just a moment of being fully present.
My therapist: That makse sense. Your not an alcoholic, you're an alcohol abuser. There's a big difference.
Me: Yeah, I agree. I'm okay. I'm not an alcoholic. This is just a temporary issue. Once I get my job stress under control, I'll drink less and not need it so much anymore.
My therapist: Yes, let's talk about your job....
At first glance, this conversation doesn't look like much. Maybe even counterproductive. But, I want to thank this therapist immensely. She helped me inch forward in my denial toward the possibility that I abused alcohol without making me run and scream in the other direction by calling me an alcoholoc.
This was a year or more ago now. I just admitted I'm an alcoholic a couple weeks ago. I have enough proof now after the last 18 years.
Thanks also to Denise Linn for taking me through her 28 week soul coaching/clutter clearing program which taught me that the soul loves the truth. During this program I started asking my soul if there was anything I needed to know. My soul was very quiet and was just barely whispering to me even after the 28 weeks when I was playing around on Facebook and saw a post from my friend David Essel and watched his video: http://www.youtube.com/user/SuperSlowDown#p/u/29/p-0S6mfQ5Sw
The whisper said, no I'm not ready but send an email anyways and share the fact that you're not ready but that you liked the video.
This was two weeks ago. I wasn't ready but I reached out and my life changed trajectory in ways I could not have imagined. I've experienced living a lifetime in just a day, in just a moment of being fully present.
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