Forgiveness Letter #1 for Summer '00

Dear Fred and Co,  It’s been 10 years and this letter is way overdue. I forgive you for sexually assaulting me during the company boat trip in Oregon while I was sleeping. I forgive you for taking advantage of the opportunity even though you were my brother-in-law’s best friend.  Even though your girlfriend was sleeping there and my husband was in the next room playing cards. Even though I trusted you.

I don’t yet fully know what my part in this was. Maybe it was my trust, maybe it was my looks or my naivite. Or maybe you just decided you could get away with it.

I forgive Dennis, my husband at the time, for not doing anything about it. And I forgive Dennis for going to lunch with Fred the next week and then taking his side after that. I know he was confused and that he did the best he could at the time. I forgive Kevin, the company president and his wife Colleen for making excuses for Fred and deciding it was no big deal.

I forgive the police for not wanting to take the report. I forgive Dennis’ brother and parents and everyone else who turned a blind eye to me and the situation and my experience and pain. I forgive Dennis’ mom for telling me that these things happen at parties and I forgive my own mom for not reacting at all. I know she has her own pain and could not hear me or believe something like this could happen to me. It was too much for her to bear. I forgive Fred’s girlfriend for calling me up and begging me not to press charges.

I forgive myself for not insisting that we leave immediately and go home but instead stayed the rest of the weekend on the boat and let everyone try to convince me it was no big deal. I forgive myself for not sleeping next to Carrie instead. I forgive Erik for staying friends with Fred

I forgive everyone for not being able to handle the gravity of the situation and give me the support and understanding I needed.

For so long now I have known what happened to me was wrong but have still held onto the belief that this was somehow my fault and that I deserved it. I really want to let that go. God, if you could help me release this belief and forgive everyone involved and release the emotions, the anger, the shame, the guilt and the rage inside me over this. Heal my fear of being too trusting, my fear of not judging character correctly, fear of the loss of control, fear of future violation. Heal me of the idea that my being in shape and being attractive could have caused this and the idea that me being stupid caused this or that I deserved it in any way. Please allow me to fully forgive everyone and release all of these emotions.

With an open heart,

Angela