Forgiveness Letter #1 for Summer '00

Dear Fred and Co,  It’s been 10 years and this letter is way overdue. I forgive you for sexually assaulting me during the company boat trip in Oregon while I was sleeping. I forgive you for taking advantage of the opportunity even though you were my brother-in-law’s best friend.  Even though your girlfriend was sleeping there and my husband was in the next room playing cards. Even though I trusted you.

I don’t yet fully know what my part in this was. Maybe it was my trust, maybe it was my looks or my naivite. Or maybe you just decided you could get away with it.

I forgive Dennis, my husband at the time, for not doing anything about it. And I forgive Dennis for going to lunch with Fred the next week and then taking his side after that. I know he was confused and that he did the best he could at the time. I forgive Kevin, the company president and his wife Colleen for making excuses for Fred and deciding it was no big deal.

I forgive the police for not wanting to take the report. I forgive Dennis’ brother and parents and everyone else who turned a blind eye to me and the situation and my experience and pain. I forgive Dennis’ mom for telling me that these things happen at parties and I forgive my own mom for not reacting at all. I know she has her own pain and could not hear me or believe something like this could happen to me. It was too much for her to bear. I forgive Fred’s girlfriend for calling me up and begging me not to press charges.

I forgive myself for not insisting that we leave immediately and go home but instead stayed the rest of the weekend on the boat and let everyone try to convince me it was no big deal. I forgive myself for not sleeping next to Carrie instead. I forgive Erik for staying friends with Fred

I forgive everyone for not being able to handle the gravity of the situation and give me the support and understanding I needed.

For so long now I have known what happened to me was wrong but have still held onto the belief that this was somehow my fault and that I deserved it. I really want to let that go. God, if you could help me release this belief and forgive everyone involved and release the emotions, the anger, the shame, the guilt and the rage inside me over this. Heal my fear of being too trusting, my fear of not judging character correctly, fear of the loss of control, fear of future violation. Heal me of the idea that my being in shape and being attractive could have caused this and the idea that me being stupid caused this or that I deserved it in any way. Please allow me to fully forgive everyone and release all of these emotions.

With an open heart,

Angela

Two weeks in and I feel like I just started over this morning

I wrote this letter to my best friend this morning.

Hi Terri bear!!


You asked me the other day how my program is going. It’s a long story how these last two weeks have gone. The program addresses the physical, mental/emotional, spiritual and social aspects. It’s intense but manageable.

This song really touched my heart this morning. It’s written and sung by the Barlow girls (three sisters). The lead singer suffered from anorexia.  Listen to this and the words. It will give you a glimpse at the spiritual aspect of what I’m going through, just a glimpse, there’s a lot more to it than this but this song captures so much.

I need You to love me – BarlowGirl

LYRICS:

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been


Happy Friday my dear. I’m so grateful to have you in my life!!

xoxo
~Angela

I'm Not Ready

Me:  Could it be possible that I have a problem with alcohol?  I'm certainly not an alcoholic.  I just sometimes abuse alcohol when I'm stressed out and need to relax and take it down a notch. 

My therapist:  That makse sense.  Your not an alcoholic, you're an alcohol abuser.  There's a big difference.

Me:  Yeah, I agree.  I'm okay.  I'm not an alcoholic.  This is just a temporary issue.  Once I get my job stress under control, I'll drink less and not need it so much anymore. 

My therapist:  Yes, let's talk about your job.... 

At first glance, this conversation doesn't look like much.  Maybe even counterproductive.  But, I want to thank this therapist immensely.  She helped me inch forward in my denial toward the possibility that I abused alcohol without making me run and scream in the other direction by calling me an alcoholoc. 

This was a year or more ago now.  I just admitted I'm an alcoholic a couple weeks ago.  I have enough proof now after the last 18 years. 

Thanks also to Denise Linn for taking me through her 28 week soul coaching/clutter clearing program which taught me that the soul loves the truth.  During this program I started asking my soul if there was anything I needed to know.  My soul was very quiet and was just barely whispering to me even after the 28 weeks when I was playing around on Facebook and saw a post from my friend David Essel and watched his video:  http://www.youtube.com/user/SuperSlowDown#p/u/29/p-0S6mfQ5Sw

The whisper said, no I'm not ready but send an email anyways and share the fact that you're not ready but that you liked the video. 

This was two weeks ago.  I wasn't ready but I reached out and my life changed trajectory in ways I could not have imagined.  I've experienced living a lifetime in just a day, in just a moment of being fully present.