Step 2: The Beginning of The End

Only a power greater than me can restore my sanity. This power could be God or perhaps a group of people who have a solution to a problem that I have not been able to solve on my own and that nearly everyone who has ever tried has not been able to solve on their own. Accepting that I am not the highest power in my life and on this earth and that this power that is greater than me could restore my sanity was the beginning of the end of my old life and the start of my new one.  However, I rather liked being in control of my life, thank you very much.  This was not easy to swallow.   

I have not done this alone.  There is no way.  I’ve learned that recovering alone never works. I tried for 18 years. Pretty good try, don’t you think? Actually, I wasn’t convinced right away but someone asked me how many more years should I try before I accept the fact that I need others to help me? I huffed at this, but couldn’t come up with a good answer. I begrudgingly tried to accept that only by reaching out and getting help could this problem be solved for me.  Millions of people have proven this fact and now its millions, plus one. I am now one of those people who have proven this to be true.

I used to be agnostic but I’ve had some experiences that have led me to believe in a higher power such as God. And I thank this higher power every day now for this life of mine. One such experience that I’ve reflected on as highly powerful was being saved from a devastatingly deep depression. Day by day, life was getting harder and my thoughts moved towards ending the daily pain and suffering. I could not imagine ever being happy again. I couldn’t even remember what happiness felt like. There seemed to be no way out of the hole I suddenly found myself; that I had been sliding into for months, maybe years. Why was life so hard and how did everyone else handle life so well? It wasn’t fair. Any past happiness I had experienced was out of reach. I couldn’t remember a minute of it. I thought about ending my life every day.

Someone gracefully came into my life and saved me, literally. They picked me up out of the hole; they encouraged me, brought loving touch into my life, supported me and showed me that life was worth living again. It wasn’t until years later that I asked myself why this person cared about my drunken, depressed, broken soul. Why did they come into my life right then? Was it really only chance? The thought that it could have been God working brought me to tears. These tears were what led me to the belief this may not have just been chance. It was unlike any other experience I’ve had in my life. I came to believe there was a reason why I needed to stay on this earth a little longer. But then, what about all the others who don’t make it and successfully end the game early? I haven’t yet been able to answer that and I don’t know why I was saved, but I was and want to make the most of it now. I want God to work through me to show others how precious they are. I ask God now every day what his will is for me…but that’s a story for tomorrow when I write about step three.

God, I thank you today and everyday for your love and guidance.

With an open heart,

Angela