Step 1

I have been working to uncover the denial and the belief of what I used to tell myself all the time:  "everything is ok and I can handle it".  I’ve been able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable.  I knew I was powerless over alcohol because I would quit every morning and be drinking again by nightfall.


I wanted more
I became irrational
I couldn’t help myself

My life was unmanageable:

I drove drunk
Spent too much money
Gained weight
Lost energy and work time
Life was harder
Emotions built up

All sorts of resentments built up and lived under the surface for years, covered up, escaping my conscious thought but all the while hurting me. And now I’m dealing with all that.

I find my strength in recovery by being vulnerable and honest and doing something about these emotions and by releasing them. By talking, writing and going to God.  God says thank you Angela for trusting me and coming to me. I will never leave you or forsake you. I’ll always be by your side. The other day I was so ashamed and guilty for so many things. The feelings came up and were with me for about 16 hours. I had to sit down and work to identify the feelings, sit with them, surrender to them and write them down. This is what is called walking into the fire.

In the fire, what I discovered by sitting with these feelings is that my deepest pain is my unworthiness. Unworthiness is a core issue for many people and is a driver for unhealthy behavior, thoughts and feelings.  It is tied to low self esteem (check), wanting to be accepted (check) and trying hard to fit in (yep, that was me too).  It’s also tied to a lack of spirituality and being disconnected from a Higher Power. I sat with this, talked about it, cried, reached out and prayed.  And I inched a little closer toward worthiness through gratitude, self care, connection to others and God, forgiveness and prayer.  I want to emphasize the importance of reaching out to others.  If you’re like me and want to recover alone it will never work.  One of the keys to admitting we are powerless and having a chance at true recovery is reaching out for help.

Thank you God and thank you all my friends and family who surround me with love and support every day.

With an open heart,

Angela

Forgiveness Letter #1 for Summer '00

Dear Fred and Co,  It’s been 10 years and this letter is way overdue. I forgive you for sexually assaulting me during the company boat trip in Oregon while I was sleeping. I forgive you for taking advantage of the opportunity even though you were my brother-in-law’s best friend.  Even though your girlfriend was sleeping there and my husband was in the next room playing cards. Even though I trusted you.

I don’t yet fully know what my part in this was. Maybe it was my trust, maybe it was my looks or my naivite. Or maybe you just decided you could get away with it.

I forgive Dennis, my husband at the time, for not doing anything about it. And I forgive Dennis for going to lunch with Fred the next week and then taking his side after that. I know he was confused and that he did the best he could at the time. I forgive Kevin, the company president and his wife Colleen for making excuses for Fred and deciding it was no big deal.

I forgive the police for not wanting to take the report. I forgive Dennis’ brother and parents and everyone else who turned a blind eye to me and the situation and my experience and pain. I forgive Dennis’ mom for telling me that these things happen at parties and I forgive my own mom for not reacting at all. I know she has her own pain and could not hear me or believe something like this could happen to me. It was too much for her to bear. I forgive Fred’s girlfriend for calling me up and begging me not to press charges.

I forgive myself for not insisting that we leave immediately and go home but instead stayed the rest of the weekend on the boat and let everyone try to convince me it was no big deal. I forgive myself for not sleeping next to Carrie instead. I forgive Erik for staying friends with Fred

I forgive everyone for not being able to handle the gravity of the situation and give me the support and understanding I needed.

For so long now I have known what happened to me was wrong but have still held onto the belief that this was somehow my fault and that I deserved it. I really want to let that go. God, if you could help me release this belief and forgive everyone involved and release the emotions, the anger, the shame, the guilt and the rage inside me over this. Heal my fear of being too trusting, my fear of not judging character correctly, fear of the loss of control, fear of future violation. Heal me of the idea that my being in shape and being attractive could have caused this and the idea that me being stupid caused this or that I deserved it in any way. Please allow me to fully forgive everyone and release all of these emotions.

With an open heart,

Angela

Two weeks in and I feel like I just started over this morning

I wrote this letter to my best friend this morning.

Hi Terri bear!!


You asked me the other day how my program is going. It’s a long story how these last two weeks have gone. The program addresses the physical, mental/emotional, spiritual and social aspects. It’s intense but manageable.

This song really touched my heart this morning. It’s written and sung by the Barlow girls (three sisters). The lead singer suffered from anorexia.  Listen to this and the words. It will give you a glimpse at the spiritual aspect of what I’m going through, just a glimpse, there’s a lot more to it than this but this song captures so much.

I need You to love me – BarlowGirl

LYRICS:

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been


Happy Friday my dear. I’m so grateful to have you in my life!!

xoxo
~Angela